Without You

19 Nov

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So many times I feel torn in different directions

Where do I find my escape

Or are they just moments I get to grasp for only an instant

When do I get something real again

Tangible I can rely on 

Besides myself

I understand I have to be enough

And I am

But….

But what if I want more?

More…

But just 1

It’s always the one

Find me.. Carry me away

Does it exist ?

I just don’t know anymore

I hope

Like a little kid that still secretly believes in Santa

Otherwise why would I have this strong desire

For you

And only you

Like a wish in a fairy-tale

Enough time has passed

Reveal yourself 

Don’t make me go on without you

The Battle

31 Aug

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I read old posts I have so much to say. So much I need to release. I wonder when that fear of not letting everything single word took root. Every thought. Every feeling.

My fears are almost on auto-pilot these days… When did I turn into this woman? Because I definitely wasn’t this girl. And besides the endless amount of people that would of told you that or confirmed it, I had no problem with my feisty attitude beaming about it. FEARLESS. Of anything and everything.

Sometimes when clarity hits or an epiphany. Motivation, etc. I try to always pin point it? Why because again  a fear. The fear of loss.

My World literally did a 180 when I got pregnant. I have no idea if it’s like that for all women or parents. But whether it is or not I definitely felt alone in it. And even if I knew or thought others were going through the same thing I’m not sure if that even helps to be quite honest. Because you’re so wrapped up in all the parent duties your ability to reach out let alone help others is zilch.

I tried the whole “family life” thing. HARD. I wonder the day that pill it didn’t work will be easier to swallow. Because it still gets stuck when I try now.

I think for me, when it didn’t, and I finally had no choice but to let it go, I went and  tried every other option in the book. Briefly trying each. Dating someone older, a guy with a kid, online dating, a guy younger than me. Going with the flow, taking charge. And being alone. In the rest of my Life I’ve made every right choice and best choice but I can’t seem to get the whole significant other part down. Which is nothing new. But why now does it bother me so much? Why do I care more than I have in my past. What am I so afraid of? It’s like I’ve lost myself all because what? One man out of all the rest didn’t want the family life???

And in my reflection the last couple days I got to a better place internally finally about it. You know you can be told the same thing over and over by 1 person or many. But if you don’t feel it you just can’t live it. I don’t believe in faking it until you make it. I believe living a genuine Life. We all have good times and low. Sometimes you’re vulnerable, it’s not the end of the World to show you’re human. Mistakes will happen and it reveals who should be where in your Life. Welcome that it will be hard to see but honest.

I write and it’s all over the place I hate it but realize the purpose for it. My writing can be my vulnerable place. My place to outlet all the millions of thoughts and feelings until I feel centered. It’s why I created the blog in the first place. Who knew I would actually need it and use it for the purpose I intended. And until I get to a place of where my writing gets focused again at least I will have a place my own, to vent, to ramble, to get lost… So I can find me again. Because I’m really sick and tired of this sad lost little girl syndrome I have going on in my daily Life.

I am more than that. I’ve been through worse. I have survived beyond. And although I appreciate everyone’s approval and praise. I guess I just expect more out of me. Because I can do better. I can always do better.

I believe since the family life how I imagined of didn’t only not work out but was a dream since I was 4 that was shattered, I got it into my head then that was it. That was the only shot I got. Or since it didn’t happen I wasn’t able to live it on my own. So I was aimlessly trying to find I don’t know a replacement? When I realized I was too protective for that I starting grasping straws and somewhere in that desperation I lost myself further than I have in a long time. Giving the power of my happiness to others.

 Plus it doesn’t help I keep comparing me, my Life, etc to everyone else. Friends of mine that don’t have kids, friends that aren’t single parents, people younger than me that are in a different mindset, people that are older and appear to have it more together. Talk about double knotting rocks to your feet while you’re already drowning in the water.

So the plan? Block not only others that are negative out, but also my own demons trying to push their way in with comparisons and guilt.

Not everything is going to get done today, there will be messier weeks than others. Some days I’ll fuck up and choose a selfish choice. Just like everyday can’t be extraordinary and that’s OK. I’m not going to be everybody’s cup of tea. And this false sense of rejection I have I need to let go because I haven’t ever wanted someone as badly to be in my Life or live it with since… Well if you know me, you know ;) and I didn’t come full circle to that until I learned from it after, and boy did I… I need to stop trying to re-do it with everyone since him because it won’t turn back the hands of time. And to be hurtfully honest they haven’t earned it and no one’s deserved it yet.

I need to be more selective and remember like someone once told me “because I know the woman you’ll become even if you can’t see it now” somehow I became her years ago. And now those words echo to me because I believe my current situation won’t scare the right man away but only make him want to get that much closer … I finally get it now. So to all my amazing friends you don’t have to repeat yourself anymore 8>)

And most importantly I trust in God’s plan and have faith. I have no idea what the cards are. I just know it’s nice not to be caught up in it anymore trying to figure it out.  Because for all I know it may not happen. I’m a 100% all in or all out type of gal I always have been. But having that family Life mentality and lifestyle I can still be a 100% in even without the male. That has been my struggle.

Time to get shit done, and keep it up what I’m already doing, and start living my Life around what’s efficient for me. Because I finally reached that threshold of what people “say” and then what they actually end up doing. To hold myself accountable so I continue to be true to what I say, and continue to become the woman I want to be. And if people walk out of my Life well no ill feelings but apparently our time together served it’s purpose.

Feeling extremely thankful for this huge step of acceptance internally I reached. I needed it.  Trippy to see all the pieces come together finally and a sense of serenity to find it inside me. I don’t have to travel anymore, go to anyone, buy something, etc just within <3

 

 

Just a Bad Day

23 Jul

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Let me be held

Wash away the negativity

Life hits hard

I try to keep up

But I find myself falling a lot lately

For the wrong things

Clarity has become a distant friend

I grasp all around

Everything is a mirage

I keep looking back

As if the past can change

The future is so blurry

I think I need glasses

My mouth is falling apart

Words seem to escape me

This transition is taking longer than expected

When do I get to enjoy this Life

Is it all just made up of things I can’t have

Optimism has faded

Numbness sets in deeper

Inspire me

To get me back to me

Today I guess…

Just breathe

 

M

6 Jul

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Glass of wine in hand… Fireplace on, yes I know it’s July ;) I know I’ve been writing a lot of blog type of entries lately. But it’s just where I’m at lately… So if you’re sick of them sorry haha. I would say this is my last one for a while but who knows :)

The title of this one is M… Again interesting timing. I just saw the Disney movie Maleficent.

Maleficent. Makana. Mother.

All M’s. Again timing cracks me up. I was almost a mother once before my Rose. And I just had a conversation with him regarding my name Makana that has a direct relation to that time.

And who saves her but Aurora Rose. My daughters middle name has such significance to me. They never call Aurora, Rose in this Disney movie but in the classic they do all the time. I never call my Daughter by her middle name. I never even say the 2 together. Because I don’t need to. I liked the correlation in this movie, how we all know her middle name but it is never mentioned. The thorns were very present and with her floating thru them. How through thorns something beautiful can rise above them. Since the fairy once was good, then bad. Like a winter that freezes the flowers and only the thorns exist. But when the sunlight comes again, a Rose will bloom even in the most harsh of conditions.

This movie was about how there was a girl that was different from the rest. A man came and out of his greed and ambition took a part of her to make him a King in his own World. Cheaply. Couldn’t kill her but took something that haunted her for so many years. That unfortunately made her forget the light she possessed and gave in to darkness. Without her even really realizing it. For decades. The longer time went on, the more she slipped into someone she never could of imagined as a little girl turning into. She loved others still and protected them but she was damaged. Consumed with revenge, filled with loss and her pain that was hidden from others by her beauty and strength.

Ya… I can relate.

Trusting has never come easy for me. I saw it as giving someone the power to take from me again when I least expected. That if I was not a step ahead, someone would take advantage of my weakness again. I vowed to never be that stupid foolish girl again. But with that doesn’t just shut out the bad it also shuts out the good. And then you forget what the good feels like. That it’s worth it. You only see the bad, and that you’re safe from any further darkness. Except not realizing, you’re not safe from your own. Which is the most poisonous and dangerous.

Right when I think I can’t love Disney anymore they start renovating in a way that just floors and astonishes me… Renders me speechless. Has me feel so many things I can only smile, soak it in and beam from every part of me.

Their TV show Once Upon a Time, and the Frozen movie (I have no choice because my daughter is in love with it to watch countless times) and now Maleficent is a great direction they are going for young girls. YESSS!!! Thank you!! Something to finally fight against what the rest of our society is teaching them. That to still be classy, smart, beautiful and special by just being you. That true love isn’t wrapped up in a man. That finding love with a significant other is a bonus, and yes a gift to be treasured but it’s not the only thing you have to aspire to in Life. Or what will define you. That there are other things to look forward to. The classic line of all you need to worry about is finding a prince marrying him and living happily ever after, and if you don’t then you’re an outcast because obviously something is wrong with you. Disney is teaching that true love and loyalty can come from family and friends. That the story isn’t always what people say it is. To take a look for yourself. Instead of just going along with the herd. And that by doing so doesn’t make you weird, it makes you special. As long as you are genuine and true.

And now with their most recent movie. That you can make un-forgivable mistakes but not be imprisoned to that path for the rest of your Life. That you can break free from those chains. It won’t be easy. You have to own up to them, and fight thru hell to earn your wings back even though it was not your fault they were taken in the first place.

But if you’re open and willing, what you cursed against the World out of loss, pain, what was unfair to you and then bestowed on someone else… They might just be who returns your wings to you if you show them a part of the real you… If you can look past the dark. Yes maybe you didn’t create it, but you allowed yourself to deepen in the path of darkness. At one point you will come to a fork in the road, and you will have the opportunity to see the light that you fight so hard to ignore, and if you choose to take a second look it will find you and consume the little part you have left. And that tiny amount can create universes.

That has always been the difference between light and dark. Dark can be so much and it can feel so consuming and overwhelming. And it seems it has an endless amount of soldiers that will never give up fighting the battles. But the light… The light if it just has One it will always win the War. It’s not about numbers. But that’s always want the enemy wants you to think. Because it’s easier to deceive. Easier to defeat you if you’re scared. And what a better way than visually. Because your mind is easy to persuade. But your heart, not so much.

So when you feel overwhelmed by your circumstance or demons, close your eyes. Silence all the doubts and fears. And feel with your heart. Don’t let other choose your path. Then move forward.

If Your Heart Is Open, Love Will Always Find Its Way In.”  Jayne Seymour

The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. “Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

Choices

30 Jun

PhoenixRising

It is always interesting to me when clarity decides to find me… Things I need to put back in my Life again on a consistent basis. God, and writing.

I look at where my Life has led after the last few years. I feel as if I have been just keeping my head above water. Rolling with the punches. Surviving.

I am most certain my choices last night was the last piece this mysterious 4 year long puzzle that has been being put together. I can now see the whole picture.

In that amount of time, I have had 3 bf’s, moved 7 times, and the biggest impact, became a mother.

This journey all started when I felt my heart get ripped out of my chest. Because of my Daughter I don’t do it often, but sometimes I wonder what would of been if I could of just gotten my shit together then. Because I was happy. So happy. But I was foolish. Immature, and so blind. My path since then has been this mix up of puzzle pieces trying to make sense out of my choice to run away from him. I see now I can’t. I didn’t think about my choices then. I see that is the key difference between children and adults. As I watch my little girl grow she doesn’t think about what to do and why. She just does. As a parent it is my sole job to teach her from wrong and right. To be a caring good human being. To shape her into a responsible adult. What does that even mean? It means making decisions in your Life and thinking about them, and the consequences good or bad before you do. Because once that decision is made, you can seldomly take it back. And that’s “Life”.

It always astonishes me how I can have an old soul and be so wise about things, and yet be so childish about choices. Like a spoiled brat that doesn’t get her way. Just how ridiculously reckless I am with choices. I want things in my Life yet the choices I make do not reflect that. They reflect instant gratification and the problem with that is not only am I a mother now, but the things I want for me and her require delayed gratification to attain. I realize with my free spirit, passionate way of living this is something I do not excel in. But people can change. I’ve always hated the stigma of “well, people don’t change” Yes most certainly they do. They change because of a loss, gain, a traumatic experience, achieving a goal, having a dream come true, you change becoming a parent. What is change anyways? Making different choices. That’s all it is. So yes people can change. It’s not easy, no. But it’s possible. You can always change, if you want to. If it’s worth it to you. It is extremely easy to change into negative, but takes hard work and effort to change positively. Another lovely factor of Life. What’s always best, right etc is never easy.

So my choices HAVE to change. If I ever want to obtain the Life I want. I made a huge choice, deciding to have a child. The best un-thought out choice I’ve ever made. Not just because of all the tiny moments that show me how priceless my Rose is, but because it put me on a path I would of ever never gotten on by myself. And no matter what friends I met, or how my family loved me, or any man that came into my Life, no one had the power to do what my child did for me. The irony finally caught up with me. Somehow by not thinking about my choices I made the right one.  Which in return completed this puzzle I’ve been in a haze for the last 4 years.

That’s the thing about choices, even when you think you’re not making decisions, the fact you don’t take a stand to make a decision, a choice is still made. Yes you may be being passive, but Life continues. For someone that is so bold it bewilders me how I have been so passive about choices. Just letting Life happen around me. I pondered when this happened. And then I know. As so many other habits formed around that event. It is always a conundrum how so much that was intended to protect me on that 13th would become things that destroyed me as an adult, that I would have to kill on another 13th. It also amazes me with all the work I have already done, accomplished how there are still things that come up I still have to address and reroute.

So I guess at 30 it’s time to grow up and stop acting like a child when it comes to decisions and choices. To not be passive, standing by letting Life drag me along. But me taking control of my Life. That is what Miami represented to me. I did something and had a trip how I had always imagined, crossed things off my Life list which I haven’t done in so long. It felt good not only to be alive again, but that I chose it. It was beyond empowering. It showed me how to trust my instincts about people. That just because I have calmed down, doesn’t mean I’m losing my fiery spirit. More that I have learned to accept. Forgive. Let go. Move on, and really THRIVE. That I can still discover ME and be a Mother at the same time. That I don’t have to give one up to be good at the other. That they are 1. Not separate.

I really thought by choosing to be not just a good Mom but the best Mother I could ever be, would mean I would have to give up me. I see now in order to be that, there has to be a ME. I applaud myself that not even batting an eye I willingly gave up myself for Roslyn. But my tips to any mothers to be, or new moms, or heck even the seasoned ones that don’t know this… To be the best Mom for your child don’t lose yourself. I struggled with this during my pregnancy, and the first year or so of my child’s life. It was a daily struggle and battle. Only when I realized all of this, did my Life become simpler, clear, smoother. I wish I could of come to this realization sooner. I would of been happier earlier on. Because no matter what you do, people are still going to judge. Give you looks. Feel it’s their business to chime in. And think they have some right to tell you how to life your Life or raise your kid. But one of my favorite quotes “I’m the one that has to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live My Life the way I want to” should put some things into perspective.

Beyond Motherhood my choices in the rest of my Life are becoming crystal as well. To have the courage to go after what I want. To not fear rejection. To pull from my strength to keep going after my goals and dreams. To ponder what they are now? To accept me, fully. To have the energy to keep building me. And that I’m not perfect but the things I like, what I’m into may not be everyone’s cup of tea, and friendships may drift, but those that are meant to be in my Life and me in theirs, will be. I realize the benefit finally being an adult with the knowledge to make choices, because it can lead you on the path to your Dream Life. Based on YOUR choices. What you decide. How powerful. Nothing is not in your reach as long as you continue to go towards it.

If someone rejects you, it’s not meant to be. Maybe not forever, just not maybe not at that moment. If a situation or promotion you don’t receive, when you think a prayer was un-answered, late to a flight or missed a meeting…. All of these things it’s so easy to believe they are misfortunes when they are blessings. Signs to get you back on track. If you give your all and do your best and those things still happen take it as a detour to look around and see where you are, how you got there. And if you’re not giving your all and best then maybe that’s what the message. To push yourself so next time you get that job, the promotion, make the flight, kick ass at the meeting, the one that stands out so magnificently that rejection isn’t even an option.

I have always been about positivity… Shoot doing water angels in the rain, cartwheels during the lightning, just soaking every drop of Life in… And for those that have followed my other blogs you know I love when I get hit hard, or when my demons try to battle me… It is then I feel most alive it’s ironic. I know most focus on the negative but for me I’ve always seen it as the moment before the sun shines. I welcome it. It’s what awakens me. When I see that I can do nothing else but build. Strengthen. Learn. It’s nice to know at 30 there are still things that will wake me up. It makes me hopeful for next 30 and so on. That I can still be jarred out of the day to day norm. That if I am lost that spirit I have will find a way no matter how long it takes to find things to inspire me. That discovery still awaits.

I get it finally… No more fear. No more sitting just dealing with what comes my way.No more running…

I boldly, confidently choose it.

 

Old Fashioned with a Twist please

6 Feb

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Life definitely inspires me to write. Sometimes monologues, sometimes poems, and sometimes I just let the words pour out.

The video I posted below I would say as you call it, was the icing on the cake for todays outpour…

At first the video made me cringe because it’s another body builder motivational video. But close your eyes. Listen to the words…

I am not sure why every motivational video always has the visuals of physical perfection to achieve. What happened to what’s deeper? The values of selflessness, pride of family, loyalty of love?

I heard recently that our generation is the generation of selfishness. Gosh that makes me sad.

Call me old fashioned with a twist but why is that we can’t embrace the freedoms that our parents, grandparents etc fought for us to have but with all the class and morals they had ? Why is it always one way or the other? That if you’re classy and old fashioned that means you have to be close minded? A house wife, or the man that makes all the money… Aren’t we smarter than that? That’s the problem we are a smart generation, but not wise. Or if you’re independent and up to date with how things are now a days then that means your young, immature, selfish and too radical. Have we really not learned to combine the greatest attributes of all the generations together? Move forward in great stride… Apparently not. That also makes me sad.

Ok so back to the video ;)

Let me get this out of the way first- to achieve a body builders physique takes a lot of sacrifice. The things you have to do, have to give up, it definitely takes a lot from within to be able to attain. However my outpour today isn’t to tare down or support body builders, or any other self involved dream for that matter. It’s about the words being said behind the video. I feel the words will get lost to most because the words are getting masked to make you think and feel its about the visual board you’re seeing. Not that it can, and probably is about so much more than just physical goals.

To be a body builder, an actor, a model or any other self serving dream is a selfish one. I can say this because I once attempted to be an actress. I have actor friends, body builder friends, model friends, travelers of the World that take off in an instant friends. I don’t say selfish dream to be mean. I say it to be accurate. Because the only way you will attain that dream is to put it first. Which means goodbye healthy relationships, a chance at a happy family, and having those be there for you when you need it. It will be a Life full of adventures, and people you have surface level relationships with, and strangers that support you. But to have that real in depth love, that also takes sacrifice, priority, and selfishness toward the cause. You can’t have both. It’s the balance of Life.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!”  …. A powerful start… Isn’t that the question we all wonder? But it is simple. And if you really want it then you’ll do whatever it takes to get it. You won’t care how you look to others, it won’t bother you what others say. Because if you can find it deep within you what you really want in Life, and make it loud enough it drowns out pride, arrogance, and the negativity around you. Then something amazing happens. You finally get it. And all those around you have nothing to say. You’ll have others ask for advice how you got it? The truth, you gave everything up to get it, gave all you had and then whatever else it took for however long it took to get it.

I wish this showed images of a happy family and all the struggles before the family gets there. A successful marriage and all the battles they have to overcome to get to that moment. A young adult that struggles with a hard childhood and takes the necessary steps to get help and learn to use their past to become a self sufficient adult. The people out there that battle addictions and win every day by not going back to old habits. As well as those of you that battle financial snags, or doubt of faith… I wish those are the visual boards all of these motivational videos now a-days would have instead. Because our country is definitely hurting and slacking when it comes to those values. The values that made us so strong. Yes some of the ignorant ways needed to be let go, but that doesn’t mean we also had to shed the importance of unity.

Again we live in a free country where if you want to follow your dream and that dream is all about you. Have at it. I guess for me I want to start the revolution on the new generation. Heck even the past ones. Where they embrace all we have learned about treating EVERYONE equal but also holding on to the ethics of our past. I had selfish dreams. But then I had a daughter. And I didn’t change I just grew up, and my dream became hers. I feel I am a dying breed in today’s society. I am old fashioned with a twist, I hope you are too.

It’s never to late to join :)

Approaching

24 Jan

Delete

Write

Save Draft

Write

Save Draft

What am I saving for?

How do I move forward when I feel frozen

Frozen by manipulation

Standing still in time out of fear

I just want to be at the crossroad already

I’m so eager to take that step

I want to step into a Life I’ve been waiting for

For a gal who lacks patience

30 years is enough… I’ve done my time

So step over with us

Or stay stuck like you keep choosing to do

I’ve tried to push you

Pull you

Let you come at your own time

But all your doing is holding me back

And you’re strong

But there is so much you don’t know about me

I can endure

And right when you think you have me beaten and let up a little

I will break free

Like a Rose from concrete

a Phoenix from it’s Ashes

Don’t underestimate me

Because I love that challenge

And the look on a persons face after

Don’t become a part of that group

You’re going to lose something

Something you don’t realize at this moment

That you’ll want more than anything in Life

And there won’t be anything I can do after

Be humble look at the bigger picture

Remember

We not me

You not I

Don’t pass up your future

Because your stuck in your past ways

Ps Sometimes Music speaks what we can not… All videos have Lyrics

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