It is always interesting to me when clarity decides to find me… Things I need to put back in my Life again on a consistent basis. God, and writing.
I look at where my Life has led after the last few years. I feel as if I have been just keeping my head above water. Rolling with the punches. Surviving.
I am most certain my choices last night was the last piece this mysterious 4 year long puzzle that has been being put together. I can now see the whole picture.
In that amount of time, I have had 3 bf’s, moved 7 times, and the biggest impact, became a mother.
This journey all started when I felt my heart get ripped out of my chest. Because of my Daughter I don’t do it often, but sometimes I wonder what would of been if I could of just gotten my shit together then. Because I was happy. So happy. But I was foolish. Immature, and so blind. My path since then has been this mix up of puzzle pieces trying to make sense out of my choice to run away from him. I see now I can’t. I didn’t think about my choices then. I see that is the key difference between children and adults. As I watch my little girl grow she doesn’t think about what to do and why. She just does. As a parent it is my sole job to teach her from wrong and right. To be a caring good human being. To shape her into a responsible adult. What does that even mean? It means making decisions in your Life and thinking about them, and the consequences good or bad before you do. Because once that decision is made, you can seldomly take it back. And that’s “Life”.
It always astonishes me how I can have an old soul and be so wise about things, and yet be so childish about choices. Like a spoiled brat that doesn’t get her way. Just how ridiculously reckless I am with choices. I want things in my Life yet the choices I make do not reflect that. They reflect instant gratification and the problem with that is not only am I a mother now, but the things I want for me and her require delayed gratification to attain. I realize with my free spirit, passionate way of living this is something I do not excel in. But people can change. I’ve always hated the stigma of “well, people don’t change” Yes most certainly they do. They change because of a loss, gain, a traumatic experience, achieving a goal, having a dream come true, you change becoming a parent. What is change anyways? Making different choices. That’s all it is. So yes people can change. It’s not easy, no. But it’s possible. You can always change, if you want to. If it’s worth it to you. It is extremely easy to change into negative, but takes hard work and effort to change positively. Another lovely factor of Life. What’s always best, right etc is never easy.
So my choices HAVE to change. If I ever want to obtain the Life I want. I made a huge choice, deciding to have a child. The best un-thought out choice I’ve ever made. Not just because of all the tiny moments that show me how priceless my Rose is, but because it put me on a path I would of ever never gotten on by myself. And no matter what friends I met, or how my family loved me, or any man that came into my Life, no one had the power to do what my child did for me. The irony finally caught up with me. Somehow by not thinking about my choices I made the right one. Which in return completed this puzzle I’ve been in a haze for the last 4 years.
That’s the thing about choices, even when you think you’re not making decisions, the fact you don’t take a stand to make a decision, a choice is still made. Yes you may be being passive, but Life continues. For someone that is so bold it bewilders me how I have been so passive about choices. Just letting Life happen around me. I pondered when this happened. And then I know. As so many other habits formed around that event. It is always a conundrum how so much that was intended to protect me on that 13th would become things that destroyed me as an adult, that I would have to kill on another 13th. It also amazes me with all the work I have already done, accomplished how there are still things that come up I still have to address and reroute.
So I guess at 30 it’s time to grow up and stop acting like a child when it comes to decisions and choices. To not be passive, standing by letting Life drag me along. But me taking control of my Life. That is what Miami represented to me. I did something and had a trip how I had always imagined, crossed things off my Life list which I haven’t done in so long. It felt good not only to be alive again, but that I chose it. It was beyond empowering. It showed me how to trust my instincts about people. That just because I have calmed down, doesn’t mean I’m losing my fiery spirit. More that I have learned to accept. Forgive. Let go. Move on, and really THRIVE. That I can still discover ME and be a Mother at the same time. That I don’t have to give one up to be good at the other. That they are 1. Not separate.
I really thought by choosing to be not just a good Mom but the best Mother I could ever be, would mean I would have to give up me. I see now in order to be that, there has to be a ME. I applaud myself that not even batting an eye I willingly gave up myself for Roslyn. But my tips to any mothers to be, or new moms, or heck even the seasoned ones that don’t know this… To be the best Mom for your child don’t lose yourself. I struggled with this during my pregnancy, and the first year or so of my child’s life. It was a daily struggle and battle. Only when I realized all of this, did my Life become simpler, clear, smoother. I wish I could of come to this realization sooner. I would of been happier earlier on. Because no matter what you do, people are still going to judge. Give you looks. Feel it’s their business to chime in. And think they have some right to tell you how to life your Life or raise your kid. But one of my favorite quotes “I’m the one that has to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live My Life the way I want to” should put some things into perspective.
Beyond Motherhood my choices in the rest of my Life are becoming crystal as well. To have the courage to go after what I want. To not fear rejection. To pull from my strength to keep going after my goals and dreams. To ponder what they are now? To accept me, fully. To have the energy to keep building me. And that I’m not perfect but the things I like, what I’m into may not be everyone’s cup of tea, and friendships may drift, but those that are meant to be in my Life and me in theirs, will be. I realize the benefit finally being an adult with the knowledge to make choices, because it can lead you on the path to your Dream Life. Based on YOUR choices. What you decide. How powerful. Nothing is not in your reach as long as you continue to go towards it.
If someone rejects you, it’s not meant to be. Maybe not forever, just not maybe not at that moment. If a situation or promotion you don’t receive, when you think a prayer was un-answered, late to a flight or missed a meeting…. All of these things it’s so easy to believe they are misfortunes when they are blessings. Signs to get you back on track. If you give your all and do your best and those things still happen take it as a detour to look around and see where you are, how you got there. And if you’re not giving your all and best then maybe that’s what the message. To push yourself so next time you get that job, the promotion, make the flight, kick ass at the meeting, the one that stands out so magnificently that rejection isn’t even an option.
I have always been about positivity… Shoot doing water angels in the rain, cartwheels during the lightning, just soaking every drop of Life in… And for those that have followed my other blogs you know I love when I get hit hard, or when my demons try to battle me… It is then I feel most alive it’s ironic. I know most focus on the negative but for me I’ve always seen it as the moment before the sun shines. I welcome it. It’s what awakens me. When I see that I can do nothing else but build. Strengthen. Learn. It’s nice to know at 30 there are still things that will wake me up. It makes me hopeful for next 30 and so on. That I can still be jarred out of the day to day norm. That if I am lost that spirit I have will find a way no matter how long it takes to find things to inspire me. That discovery still awaits.
I get it finally… No more fear. No more sitting just dealing with what comes my way.No more running…
I boldly, confidently choose it.