Archive | August, 2014

The Battle

31 Aug


I read old posts I have so much to say. So much I need to release. I wonder when that fear of not letting everything single word took root. Every thought. Every feeling.

My fears are almost on auto-pilot these days… When did I turn into this woman? Because I definitely wasn’t this girl. And besides the endless amount of people that would of told you that or confirmed it, I had no problem with my feisty attitude beaming about it. FEARLESS. Of anything and everything.

Sometimes when clarity hits or an epiphany. Motivation, etc. I try to always pin point it? Why because again  a fear. The fear of loss.

My World literally did a 180 when I got pregnant. I have no idea if it’s like that for all women or parents. But whether it is or not I definitely felt alone in it. And even if I knew or thought others were going through the same thing I’m not sure if that even helps to be quite honest. Because you’re so wrapped up in all the parent duties your ability to reach out let alone help others is zilch.

I tried the whole “family life” thing. HARD. I wonder the day that pill it didn’t work will be easier to swallow. Because it still gets stuck when I try now.

I think for me, when it didn’t, and I finally had no choice but to let it go, I went and  tried every other option in the book. Briefly trying each. Dating someone older, a guy with a kid, online dating, a guy younger than me. Going with the flow, taking charge. And being alone. In the rest of my Life I’ve made every right choice and best choice but I can’t seem to get the whole significant other part down. Which is nothing new. But why now does it bother me so much? Why do I care more than I have in my past. What am I so afraid of? It’s like I’ve lost myself all because what? One man out of all the rest didn’t want the family life???

And in my reflection the last couple days I got to a better place internally finally about it. You know you can be told the same thing over and over by 1 person or many. But if you don’t feel it you just can’t live it. I don’t believe in faking it until you make it. I believe living a genuine Life. We all have good times and low. Sometimes you’re vulnerable, it’s not the end of the World to show you’re human. Mistakes will happen and it reveals who should be where in your Life. Welcome that it will be hard to see but honest.

I write and it’s all over the place I hate it but realize the purpose for it. My writing can be my vulnerable place. My place to outlet all the millions of thoughts and feelings until I feel centered. It’s why I created the blog in the first place. Who knew I would actually need it and use it for the purpose I intended. And until I get to a place of where my writing gets focused again at least I will have a place my own, to vent, to ramble, to get lost… So I can find me again. Because I’m really sick and tired of this sad lost little girl syndrome I have going on in my daily Life.

I am more than that. I’ve been through worse. I have survived beyond. And although I appreciate everyone’s approval and praise. I guess I just expect more out of me. Because I can do better. I can always do better.

I believe since the family life how I imagined of didn’t only not work out but was a dream since I was 4 that was shattered, I got it into my head then that was it. That was the only shot I got. Or since it didn’t happen I wasn’t able to live it on my own. So I was aimlessly trying to find I don’t know a replacement? When I realized I was too protective for that I starting grasping straws and somewhere in that desperation I lost myself further than I have in a long time. Giving the power of my happiness to others.

 Plus it doesn’t help I keep comparing me, my Life, etc to everyone else. Friends of mine that don’t have kids, friends that aren’t single parents, people younger than me that are in a different mindset, people that are older and appear to have it more together. Talk about double knotting rocks to your feet while you’re already drowning in the water.

So the plan? Block not only others that are negative out, but also my own demons trying to push their way in with comparisons and guilt.

Not everything is going to get done today, there will be messier weeks than others. Some days I’ll fuck up and choose a selfish choice. Just like everyday can’t be extraordinary and that’s OK. I’m not going to be everybody’s cup of tea. And this false sense of rejection I have I need to let go because I haven’t ever wanted someone as badly to be in my Life or live it with since… Well if you know me, you know 😉 and I didn’t come full circle to that until I learned from it after, and boy did I… I need to stop trying to re-do it with everyone since him because it won’t turn back the hands of time. And to be hurtfully honest they haven’t earned it and no one’s deserved it yet.

I need to be more selective and remember like someone once told me “because I know the woman you’ll become even if you can’t see it now” somehow I became her years ago. And now those words echo to me because I believe my current situation won’t scare the right man away but only make him want to get that much closer … I finally get it now. So to all my amazing friends you don’t have to repeat yourself anymore 8>)

And most importantly I trust in God’s plan and have faith. I have no idea what the cards are. I just know it’s nice not to be caught up in it anymore trying to figure it out.  Because for all I know it may not happen. I’m a 100% all in or all out type of gal I always have been. But having that family Life mentality and lifestyle I can still be a 100% in even without the male. That has been my struggle.

Time to get shit done, and keep it up what I’m already doing, and start living my Life around what’s efficient for me. Because I finally reached that threshold of what people “say” and then what they actually end up doing. To hold myself accountable so I continue to be true to what I say, and continue to become the woman I want to be. And if people walk out of my Life well no ill feelings but apparently our time together served it’s purpose.

Feeling extremely thankful for this huge step of acceptance internally I reached. I needed it.  Trippy to see all the pieces come together finally and a sense of serenity to find it inside me. I don’t have to travel anymore, go to anyone, buy something, etc just within ❤